7,398 people. 7,398 people. That is how many people live in my town. And 1 of those 7,398 people happen to be my ex.
I used to love being a small town girl. Everybody knows everybody. The newspaper was 5 pages thick front to back. You could walk down the main street alone and everyone said hello. My dad was a local business owner that everyone knew and loved. Life was simple, barefoot and fun.
As an adult of course the town has gotten wayyy bigger. The dynamics of it are still the same. I still know most people. It still has a small town feel and flow. I still love my little town. I wouldn't want to live in a big city.
But as an ex the town feels much, much smaller. 7,398 people and he is one of them. I run into him at the only Wal-Mart in town. I run into him at the Kroger. I ran into him at the Blue Oyster Cult/Loverboy concert. What the heck!.
When we first split up it was a bad, nasty, messy break up. It has gotten much better. But I hate running into him everywhere. I wish he would get an amazing job opportunity and move somewhere far away and live happily ever after. Is that too much to ask??
He has had several girlfriends over the course of our break up and they all give me terrible looks. Which is fine and to be expected I suppose. Several of them I already new (again small town) and 1 of them I worked with (big company, small town)
Don't get me wrong I am very, very happy in my new relationship. I have been in a relationship since my split with him and my new guy has took some real crap from the x but he stuck around. He is great, I am great, my kids are great, my small town is great. Breaking up in a small town. Not so great.
Tuesday, October 16, 2018
Saturday, August 18, 2018
I'm Unstable, hug an a**hole
So I figured out today that I am unstable.
I was talking to one of my closest friends Courtney about a post that my ex added about me. I was not mentioned of course but... you know. You can tell when someone is talking sideways about you.
So anyway she says "Do you give two F***ks what he thinks?" (She has the mouth of a drunken sailor at happy hour) I reply "No but it gets old and tiring." So my very loud friend that we have been friends long enough that there is no filter between us retorts "Yes it does but people are always gonna say stupid sh****y sh*t. People CANNOT BE HAPPY.. AND IF THEY SEE YOU ARE THEY TRY THEIR HARDEST TO DESTROY IT."
I went silent for a few beats and I got to thinking about some of the stuff that has been said to and about me in the last nearly 3 years since we split up.I understand it was an unexpected and sudden break up for most people from the outside. It was for me as well. Things spiraled quickly. We had been married for fifteen years and there had been a few break ups in the 15 years. None of the break ups lasted too long but I had told him the last time he left and came back. "this is the last time this happens. You leave again and you are gone for good, I can not do this to my children again." I held true to my word.
I suddenly said to Courtney "I'm unstable." She questions me "What? How are you unstable" I said "Well I have worked for the government for over a year. He has had like 4 jobs since the split. I have had 1 relationship, he has had like 7. I pay my own bills, he lives with his mother. I take care of and put my children first, we won't talk about his lack of support for the kids. But I am unstable." I continue " Everyone acts like I am barely surviving, I am a wack job, I'm unstable and coming apart at the seams. Why?" My always supportive friend comes back with "He's a F**king loser." Ummm thanks doll.
For anyone out there going through a break up or even still dealing with a past break up be proud of being unstable. If people are going around saying you are unstable, a wack job, barely making it or tip toeing around you then you are probably doing something right. Just remember people build themselves up by tearing you down. That simply means they are threatened by you. The people that talk badly about you feel intimidated and threatened by your general awesomeness and they are desperate to make you seem less appealing to others. Pity them for they are sad, scared and probably really need a hug. Go out and hug an *sshole.
I was talking to one of my closest friends Courtney about a post that my ex added about me. I was not mentioned of course but... you know. You can tell when someone is talking sideways about you.
So anyway she says "Do you give two F***ks what he thinks?" (She has the mouth of a drunken sailor at happy hour) I reply "No but it gets old and tiring." So my very loud friend that we have been friends long enough that there is no filter between us retorts "Yes it does but people are always gonna say stupid sh****y sh*t. People CANNOT BE HAPPY.. AND IF THEY SEE YOU ARE THEY TRY THEIR HARDEST TO DESTROY IT."
I went silent for a few beats and I got to thinking about some of the stuff that has been said to and about me in the last nearly 3 years since we split up.I understand it was an unexpected and sudden break up for most people from the outside. It was for me as well. Things spiraled quickly. We had been married for fifteen years and there had been a few break ups in the 15 years. None of the break ups lasted too long but I had told him the last time he left and came back. "this is the last time this happens. You leave again and you are gone for good, I can not do this to my children again." I held true to my word.
I suddenly said to Courtney "I'm unstable." She questions me "What? How are you unstable" I said "Well I have worked for the government for over a year. He has had like 4 jobs since the split. I have had 1 relationship, he has had like 7. I pay my own bills, he lives with his mother. I take care of and put my children first, we won't talk about his lack of support for the kids. But I am unstable." I continue " Everyone acts like I am barely surviving, I am a wack job, I'm unstable and coming apart at the seams. Why?" My always supportive friend comes back with "He's a F**king loser." Ummm thanks doll.
For anyone out there going through a break up or even still dealing with a past break up be proud of being unstable. If people are going around saying you are unstable, a wack job, barely making it or tip toeing around you then you are probably doing something right. Just remember people build themselves up by tearing you down. That simply means they are threatened by you. The people that talk badly about you feel intimidated and threatened by your general awesomeness and they are desperate to make you seem less appealing to others. Pity them for they are sad, scared and probably really need a hug. Go out and hug an *sshole.
Wednesday, August 15, 2018
My Mis-Adventures at Gatti's Pizza
My recent experience at Mr. Gatti’s pizza was one of the worst I ever had.When my family and I went in on Sunday Aug 12 there was a female manager on duty, We waited a few minutes at the register before she came to take our order. When she got there I said "Hi, we would like to use the catchphrase, pizza party or something like that." She said "That's not the phrase," I said "Oh, I heard it on the radio yesterday and I can not remember what exactly it was but I know it was similar to that." She said "Without the exact phrase I can't give you the discount." I said "Well give me a sec and I will see if I can pull it up online please." Then we stood there while I searched for the catch phrase on the internet. Party Time by the way. Then when she rang two people up with the $3.99 catchphrase discount it ended up being $12 and some change , not completely sure how that happened.
So I then walked over to the nearly empty bar and asked the guy behind the counter. "Hey, Can I get a special order please?" He then looks at me and then the over and again back at me and says "It will be like 15 or 20 minutes." Not in an informative way in a sassy, condescending maybe you won't want to order after I tell you thin way. So I look at him and against my better judgement get sassy right back (it's hard to out sass a professional sasser) "Well since it is the only thing my son will eat I s'pose I will just have to wait." I then gave him my very simple didn't even need to write it down order and started to make me some pasta marinara but to my dismay the pasta was crusty. No one likes crusty pasta. So I found someone to inform that the pasta had gone crusty. It's kinda like going country except no one's gonna write a song about it also you will never be featured in a Chevy truck commercial for going crusty. No one likes crusty pasta. The manager that was so set one me knowing the catch phrase did not seem real interested in the pasta crust situation. She said "Ok it will be a few minutes before I can get to that." and walked away.At this point the dinner and a show night at Gatti's seems grim. 15-20 minutes on pizza and not an adequate amount of concern for the pasta. I get a couple stick of baby corn, some okra and a cherry coke and retreat to my table. In the sports room by the way because the fun room was a hot mess. Now my chances of catching a disney show were taken from me as well. I curb my thoughts of hitting me knees and screaming why with a dropped plate of baby corn and cherry coke spread around me as the camera pans up and away. I hold my head high and enter the sports room and "What!" the tv isn't even on. How is a person supposed to enjoy a plate of baby corn without some background tv noise that you really wasn’t interested in to begin with. I sulk to the table. After finishing my plate in about 4 bites I wait a bit and converse with my peoples. I felt that an adequate amount of time had passed. So I go to check on the pizza/pasta situation. Hmmm nothing but a few angry people standing around the bar waiting on special orders and complaining. Sounds about right. So having the group mentality I decided to join them at the less than friendly protest. Turns out all of them had been waiting 30+ minutes for pizza. Also some of them were partaking in a birthday party and still had not received pizza from the party they were attending. (at least that is what I gathered from the ramblings) Ah some one brought out some pasta. I fill my plate and head back to the table. I go back up with to get my fork that in my excitement I had neglected to retrieve. Once I get there the guy cutting the pizza set my order out on the bar. Good thing I was there or it may have been another sassy 15-20 minutes to get my pizza.Now that we are all settled in, eating and conversing everything is going just okay. I head to the bar to ask for some garlic butter cups. The first guy I see is the first guy I ask. He was the nicest person I talked to so far. "Excuse me sir, can I get a little cup of garlic butter?" He says "Sure no problem." and disappears through the door. I am standing at the end of the salad bar by the frozen plates. I hear the sassy pizza guy say. "You need to get back there to the game room." The nice guy says "I am getting something for this lady and then I am headed that way." Then the catchphrase manager overhears and has to insert her authority "Hey what are you doing here you need to go to the game room now." She is at the cash register mind you. He says I am getting this lady some garlic butter and then going back there." She says "No you go back there now." He reappears hands me my cup of butter d'garlic and says "There you go." As though he did not just get publicly reemed. I say "I'm so sorry." because that reaming was kinda my fault. I take my guilt butter, yeah this cup is guilt butter. Like regular butter but filled with the guilt, regret and tears of everyone that has ever had a terrible manager. Any way I take my guilt butter back to the table and begin to eat finally. My mother was not as lucky as I was on my venture. She relied on regular bar pizza for dinner. It never came. She ended up with a couple hard pieces of some pepperoni variations but never anything good. Oh wait she got an old piece of mac and cheese pizza at one point. You know the piece that is cut real small that you give to your toddler so they can hold on to it themselves. That piece that's the mac and cheese pizza piece my mom got.As we were deciding we had about as much fun as we could handle a large guy came around the corner into the sports room and very sternly told the guy cleaning the tables that the ice needs filled. The guy cleaning the tables says "Are you sure because I just done that?" The large guy says "Well I just told you to do it again." Tables guy says "Okay I will get right on it as soon as I finish this table." A lady from quiet room comes over and asks table guy a question. I couldn't hear what it was but he followed her to her table in quiet room. We head out the sports room door and past the bars and start out the door. I look over into quiet room and the last thing I see on this already terrible trip was the large guy enters the quiet room from the garbage pit area and yells at the tables guy who is still talking to the lady and says "When I told you to fill the ice, I meant now not in a minute." Tables then says something to the older lady that came and got him from sports room and walked away leaving her sitting there eating her guilt pizza.
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
It snows everyday
When you have depression it’s like it snows every day.
Some days it’s only a couple of inches. It’s a pain in the ass, but you still make it to work, the grocery store. Sure, maybe you skip the gym or your friend’s birthday party, but it IS still snowing and who knows how bad it might get tonight. Probably better to just head home. Your friend notices, but probably just thinks you are flaky now, or kind of an asshole.
Some days it snows a foot. You spend an hour shoveling out your driveway and are late to work. Your back and hands hurt from shoveling. You leave early because it’s really coming down out there. Your boss notices he just thinks your a slacker now.
Some days it snows four feet. You shovel all morning but your street never gets plowed. You are not making it to work, or anywhere else for that matter. You are so sore and tired you just get back in the bed. By the time you wake up, all your shoveling has filled back in with snow. Looks like your phone rang; people are wondering where you are. You don’t feel like calling them back, too tired from all the shoveling. Plus they don’t get this much snow at their house so they don’t understand why you’re still stuck at home. They just think you’re lazy or weak, although they rarely come out and say it.
Some weeks it’s a full-blown blizzard. When you open your door, it’s to a wall of snow. The power flickers, then goes out. It’s too cold to sit in the living room anymore, so you get back into bed with all your clothes on. The stove and microwave won’t work so you eat a cold Pop Tart and call that dinner. You haven’t taken a shower in three days, but how could you at this point? You’re too cold to do anything except sleep.
Sometimes people get snowed in for the winter. The cold seeps in. No communication in or out. The food runs out. What can you even do, tunnel out of a forty foot snow bank with your hands? How far away is help? Can you even get there in a blizzard? If you do, can they even help you at this point? Maybe it’s death to stay here, but it’s death to go out there too.
The thing is, when it snows all the time, you get worn all the way down. You get tired of being cold. You get tired of hurting all the time from shoveling, but if you don’t shovel on the light days, it builds up to something unmanageable on the heavy days. You resent the hell out of the snow, but it doesn’t care, it’s just a blind chemistry, an act of nature. It carries on regardless, unconcerned and unaware if it buries you or the whole world.
Also, the snow builds up in other areas, places you can’t shovel, sometimes places you can’t even see. Maybe it’s on the roof. Maybe it’s on the mountain behind the house. Sometimes, there’s an avalanche that blows the house right off its foundation and takes you with it. A veritable Act of God, nothing can be done. The neighbors say it’s a shame and they can’t understand it; he was doing so well with his shoveling.
I don’t know how it goes down for people that lose the battle. It seems like they get hit by the avalanche, but it could’ve been the long, slow winter. Maybe they were keeping up with their shoveling. Maybe they weren’t. Sometimes, shoveling isn’t enough anyway. It’s hard to tell from the outside, but it’s important to understand what it’s like from the inside.
I firmly believe that understanding and compassion have to be the base of effective action. It’s important to understand what depression is, how it feels, what it’s like to live with it, so you can help people both on an individual basis and a policy basis. I’m not putting heavy stuff out here to make your Tuesday morning suck. I know it feels gross to read it, and realistically it can be unpleasant to be around it, that’s why people pull away.
I don’t have a message for people with depression like “keep shoveling”. It’s asinine. Of course you’re going to keep shoveling the best you can, until you physically can’t, because who wants to freeze to death inside their own house? We know what the stakes are. My message is to everyone else. Grab a shovel and help your neighbor. Slap a mini snow plow on the front of your truck and plow your neighborhood. Petition the city council to buy more salt trucks, so to speak.
Depression is blind chemistry and physics, like snow and like the weather, it is a mindless process, powerful and unpredictable with great potential for harm. But like climate change, that doesn’t mean we are helpless. If we want to stop losing so many people to this disease, it will require action at every level.”
Saturday, March 10, 2018
Series of unfortunate losses
There comes a time in every persons life when they just have to say "what the uncle nephew-son, satellite dish hooked up to the trailer, kool-aid without sugar, frozen pizza dinner, five teeth missing, creek water sippin', tobacco dip spittin', dumpster divin', out of toilet paper so I had to use my hand, tractor drivin', catfish sellin', cat piss smellin', dog food chompin', yee yee yellin', camel cigarette smokin', bull butter is this place and how did I get here?" You know we've all been there.
Well here I am. I feel like that guy in the Matrix that didn't want to take the pill. Or the line in Hotel California "You can check out any time you want but you can never leave."
I have dug myself into this hole now I don't know how to climb out.
My decent into brokehood-ism was a long but rapid one. I was married for 15 years with 3 beautiful sons in private school. I had just bought my first home. Every thing was going good on the surface. Under neath there was something else life had in mind just waiting to rip the good times rug out from under my feet.
Less than a year into having my home which keep in mind is a fixer upper my already sick dad gets sicker. And right before Christmas he goes into the hospital. I got to talk to him for a few minutes while he was on manual life support before the doctors put him to sleep and onto full life support. He was in the hospital for three weeks and never woke up. My beloved father passed away on Wednesday, December the 23rd 2015 at 10:13pm. Everything stopped. Everything was too close but very distant. Everything was so loud but at the same time I couldn't make out what any thing was because it all sounded muffled. Everything was moving so fast but I was standing still. Missing him was an ever present constant thing in my life. I didn't have to think about him to know he was no longer there. I was living the quote by James Dashner “I felt her absence. It was like waking up one day with no teeth in your mouth. You wouldn't need to run to the mirror to know they were gone."
This was the first tragedy in my series of unfortunates events.
After the terrible loss of the greatest man and most influential person in my life, I was lost. I walked around lost, shopped for groceries lost, laid in bed lost. I was utterly and hopelessly lost. Needless to say losing my dad was the first loss, then comes the second string of losses. Friends, I lost friends. I didn't think I wanted them, didn't think I needed them so I lost them by shutting them out. Welp you know what they say folks, "But wait there's more!" (In my best Billy Mays)
I didn't just shut out friends I shut out everyone. My Mom, My husband, My life... Heck I am pretty sure I shut out myself... If I wasn't thinking then I was wasn't... Well, thinkin' so I can't hurt if I don't remember, right?
So here is the third loss in my now track history of losing things... My husband. Yep, lost that too. You would think he would be hard to lose at 6ft4 and 240 pounds but nope I managed to lose him after 15 years. I pushed him away and shut him out so on April 24th 2016 he was gone. He felt he had no choice. I mean he suffered the loss of my dad too but I made him feel unwanted and not needed. So he was gone, just gone. He was angry and lost and I was angry and lost. Together the combination was volatile and poison. There was months of screaming and mean words. You think how could two people that had so many good years go so bad so fast. It's mind blowing really.
Now the issue with him leaving besides the whole obvious loss of a relationship and breaking up of housekeeping and all that. I mean the financial issues. I didn't work .I was a stay at home and he was the bread winner. So now I have a house (fixer upper) 3 kids (still in private school), and of course I am still walking around lost from all the losses so far. My life is spiraling out of control. I have zero control of my life, and now I have bills and unfinished projects from the fixer upper on top of it.
Which brings me to my fourth loss. I have completely lost control.
I had a surgery on August 30 to have some stuff removed from my belly. I was cut from hip to hip. I had 2 unfortunately placed drains in the top of my (well never mind you get the picture) within 11 days I was having a second surgery to fix the first surgery because my first surgery burst open. It's technical term is dehiscence (look it up if you want) Well the second surgery had to open wound heal hip to hip. I had to be packed 4 times a day. It took nearly 6 months to heal enough to be able to get up and move around some. I had to wear belly bands, side note those things are the devil. I drained all the time and it well it was just terrible. Needless to say my depression was worsening. I saw no end to the spiral of depression and bills and loss of control.
Christmas. Christmas was upon us. Art Alexakis of Everclear nailed it when he said "They have never had the joy of a welfare Christmas " Well I guess my kids were going to learn the joys of one this year. The only good thing that I had going for me was that my kids always only get 3 presents each on Christmas (it was good enough for baby Jesus, it's good enough for my boys). So my boys weren't Christmas spoiled. So some how I had to come up with 9 presents with less than no money. If I had a dollar I would put it in my mouth and pray for lockjaw. But I had to make it happen. My boys loved me despite my many flaws believe me there are many. They have stood by me despite my depression. They have suffered the losses with me. They deserve a half way normal Christmas. Then it hit me. Anniversary. 1 year. My sweet, hateful, loud, beautiful, rough around the edges Dad. Gone a year. Oh the depression is real. The struggle is real. I managed though I pulled off a decent Christmas and convincing smile for my love doves. Good job Jaimee, you did it.
Once I was healed enough to be able to get around and work. I got a job at a fast food restaurant My hours were crazy. Early mornings, late nights. in between shifts. It was dirty and the people were rude. But I was bringing in money. Yeah, barely. My checks wouldn't even cover my basic bills. So they kept piling up, piling up and getting bigger. You know the cartoon of the guy at the desk with the overdue bills stacked and piled all around him. Yeah I am that guy (girl, woman, lady)
My kids schooling is $420 a month, electric is always astronomical at my house, and of course all the unfinished projects aren't cheap so needless to say 3 steps forward 12 steps back.
Loss number six. I get the notice that my income taxes were red flagged and seized due to student loan debt. I was counting on those to help me get me head above water. I was like walking around imitating real life at this point. I was faking it. I was like a duck, above water I appear calm but below the surface I was paddling like crazy to stay afloat. Now I had no idea what I was going to do. Income taxes were my ace in the hole. Life's a gamble you never know what the river holds.
Let's move on to my seventh loss, there isn't much more to say about losing my income taxes to student loans except I lost my income taxes to student loans. So I get a notice in the mail (you ever notice that when you get a notification in the mail it's never good's news. I mean let's face it it is never publisher clearing house for real. Well this lovely piece of parchment was lovingly notifying me that the property taxes for my money pit, I mean fixer upper, I mean house were bought. So now the taxes that I couldn't afford at $548 are now $1090 with the attorney fees and all the stuff that gets tacked on to the bill. Yep, definitely not affordable now but I can just throw that on the ever expanding pile of delinquent notifications.
Of course I haven't even mentioned the kids school tuition is still going unpaid all this time. So those bills are also filed haphazardly into that perpetual aforementioned pile.
So then winter bills at my house are a sick joke. My electric is 6, 7 and $800 dollars a month for three to four months every year. Well that stinks like bad cheese for a person with a good job so take someone in a deep, dark, never ending spiral with piling debt and a crap job that a high schooler would scoff at and put those bills on top of it. Fun times right.
Surgery number 3 leads to loss number 8. Not a huge loss mind you but a loss all the same. I lost my income from my fast food restaurant due to another surgery to fix the first 2 surgeries. This time I had 4 drain tubes. not as unfortunately placed but still drain tubes are evil. The healing wasn't near as bad as the open wound healing and didn't take near as long. Still the surgery created a loss of income even as little as it may have been.
Debt thy name is Jaimee.
Let's fast forward to September 2017. We can skip a few months and not miss anything real important. Just imagine piling debt and me treading water to stay afloat. Yep all caught up.
So September comes along and I see an ad for a good job. I fill out the app on line and get the go ahead to come in and take some tests for typing, proof reading and comprehension. Passed, flying colors. Great, good job to start September 25th. Three weeks to get some good clothes and figure out a ride back and forth to work. I have failed to mention that I have no car, right. Well, I have no car it broke in 2016. The job is located around 50 miles round trip. I inconvenience my mom for money to go to GoodWill and get some clothes. I also inconvenience my mom for a ride to and from work. I guess she figures this is going to be my only way out of the ever mounting bills and past dues that I have.
With the good job I receive loss number 9 food stamps and medical cards. Which seems like a good thing on the surface. Look deeper I am already struggling, just getting started, still behind on everything and now I lose the little assistance I got in life. Oy vey.
Loss 10 is brought on by luck of the draw I suppose. There are several things in this list but we will lump them into one big loss. Appliances.
Let me explain. Mid October my cooking stove decided it was done so it no longer works then I woke up Thanksgiving day and my refrigerator had quit working. Two weeks later my microwave started getting too hot and breaking every glass thing that was in it. Including it's turntable. Perfect! More things I can't afford.
Oh wait, It's Christmas again. I have to pull off another Christmas. Really, does Christmas have to come every year? I mean really, really? Since we don't have cable maybe my kids won't notice that it's Christmas time again. Yeah, right. Oh yeah 2nd anniversary too. Bring on the rain. I pulled off another Christmas for my babies. But,
winter in my house brings the ginormous electric bills too.
When it rains...It pours.
This winter in Ky was super cold. You know what that means? No? Loss 11. Pipes (and maybe a touch of sanity). Any way, Frozen pipes. Along with frozen pipes comes burst pipes. Every. Pipe. In. My. Plumbing. System. Broke. Every single one. Inside walls in the basement. Under the sinks. All of them. I know what you're thinking. Yeah right. This girl has got to be making this up. Nope, gosh I wish I was.
Not only did my pipes burst but my water heater cracked also. So on January 2nd 2018 I woke up with no water. Once it finally un-thawed I had entirely too much water. Water spraying all over my kitchen floor. All over my bathroom floor and all over my basement. Also spraying out of my water heater. FML.
I have a dear life long friend that eventually heard about my water or lack there of. He came over and fixed my water lines. So I went close to 5 weeks without water. I still have no water heater. We are still having to shower at my moms and stuff. But, at least we have water again. Right?
My last loss that we are going to talk about is my loss of hope. I am not sure that I will ever get out of debt. You remember the large bills that
I am so accustomed to receiving in the winter time at my abode. Well, the most shocking one I have ever gotten came in the mail yesterday March 2nd 2018. My electric bill is $1249.69. Take your time if you need to re-read that.
How is a person ever supposed to get ahead if they keep falling further and further behind. I have lost all hope of that ever happening. I have lost all hope of ever truly being out of my depression. I have lost all hope of ever having my children seeing me completely happy again.
I know that I will travel a long distance on rough pavement before rediscovering the smooth highway I have lost...
Well here I am. I feel like that guy in the Matrix that didn't want to take the pill. Or the line in Hotel California "You can check out any time you want but you can never leave."
I have dug myself into this hole now I don't know how to climb out.
My decent into brokehood-ism was a long but rapid one. I was married for 15 years with 3 beautiful sons in private school. I had just bought my first home. Every thing was going good on the surface. Under neath there was something else life had in mind just waiting to rip the good times rug out from under my feet.
Less than a year into having my home which keep in mind is a fixer upper my already sick dad gets sicker. And right before Christmas he goes into the hospital. I got to talk to him for a few minutes while he was on manual life support before the doctors put him to sleep and onto full life support. He was in the hospital for three weeks and never woke up. My beloved father passed away on Wednesday, December the 23rd 2015 at 10:13pm. Everything stopped. Everything was too close but very distant. Everything was so loud but at the same time I couldn't make out what any thing was because it all sounded muffled. Everything was moving so fast but I was standing still. Missing him was an ever present constant thing in my life. I didn't have to think about him to know he was no longer there. I was living the quote by James Dashner “I felt her absence. It was like waking up one day with no teeth in your mouth. You wouldn't need to run to the mirror to know they were gone."
This was the first tragedy in my series of unfortunates events.
After the terrible loss of the greatest man and most influential person in my life, I was lost. I walked around lost, shopped for groceries lost, laid in bed lost. I was utterly and hopelessly lost. Needless to say losing my dad was the first loss, then comes the second string of losses. Friends, I lost friends. I didn't think I wanted them, didn't think I needed them so I lost them by shutting them out. Welp you know what they say folks, "But wait there's more!" (In my best Billy Mays)
I didn't just shut out friends I shut out everyone. My Mom, My husband, My life... Heck I am pretty sure I shut out myself... If I wasn't thinking then I was wasn't... Well, thinkin' so I can't hurt if I don't remember, right?
So here is the third loss in my now track history of losing things... My husband. Yep, lost that too. You would think he would be hard to lose at 6ft4 and 240 pounds but nope I managed to lose him after 15 years. I pushed him away and shut him out so on April 24th 2016 he was gone. He felt he had no choice. I mean he suffered the loss of my dad too but I made him feel unwanted and not needed. So he was gone, just gone. He was angry and lost and I was angry and lost. Together the combination was volatile and poison. There was months of screaming and mean words. You think how could two people that had so many good years go so bad so fast. It's mind blowing really.
Now the issue with him leaving besides the whole obvious loss of a relationship and breaking up of housekeeping and all that. I mean the financial issues. I didn't work .I was a stay at home and he was the bread winner. So now I have a house (fixer upper) 3 kids (still in private school), and of course I am still walking around lost from all the losses so far. My life is spiraling out of control. I have zero control of my life, and now I have bills and unfinished projects from the fixer upper on top of it.
Which brings me to my fourth loss. I have completely lost control.
I had a surgery on August 30 to have some stuff removed from my belly. I was cut from hip to hip. I had 2 unfortunately placed drains in the top of my (well never mind you get the picture) within 11 days I was having a second surgery to fix the first surgery because my first surgery burst open. It's technical term is dehiscence (look it up if you want) Well the second surgery had to open wound heal hip to hip. I had to be packed 4 times a day. It took nearly 6 months to heal enough to be able to get up and move around some. I had to wear belly bands, side note those things are the devil. I drained all the time and it well it was just terrible. Needless to say my depression was worsening. I saw no end to the spiral of depression and bills and loss of control.
Christmas. Christmas was upon us. Art Alexakis of Everclear nailed it when he said "They have never had the joy of a welfare Christmas " Well I guess my kids were going to learn the joys of one this year. The only good thing that I had going for me was that my kids always only get 3 presents each on Christmas (it was good enough for baby Jesus, it's good enough for my boys). So my boys weren't Christmas spoiled. So some how I had to come up with 9 presents with less than no money. If I had a dollar I would put it in my mouth and pray for lockjaw. But I had to make it happen. My boys loved me despite my many flaws believe me there are many. They have stood by me despite my depression. They have suffered the losses with me. They deserve a half way normal Christmas. Then it hit me. Anniversary. 1 year. My sweet, hateful, loud, beautiful, rough around the edges Dad. Gone a year. Oh the depression is real. The struggle is real. I managed though I pulled off a decent Christmas and convincing smile for my love doves. Good job Jaimee, you did it.
Once I was healed enough to be able to get around and work. I got a job at a fast food restaurant My hours were crazy. Early mornings, late nights. in between shifts. It was dirty and the people were rude. But I was bringing in money. Yeah, barely. My checks wouldn't even cover my basic bills. So they kept piling up, piling up and getting bigger. You know the cartoon of the guy at the desk with the overdue bills stacked and piled all around him. Yeah I am that guy (girl, woman, lady)
My kids schooling is $420 a month, electric is always astronomical at my house, and of course all the unfinished projects aren't cheap so needless to say 3 steps forward 12 steps back.
Loss number six. I get the notice that my income taxes were red flagged and seized due to student loan debt. I was counting on those to help me get me head above water. I was like walking around imitating real life at this point. I was faking it. I was like a duck, above water I appear calm but below the surface I was paddling like crazy to stay afloat. Now I had no idea what I was going to do. Income taxes were my ace in the hole. Life's a gamble you never know what the river holds.
Let's move on to my seventh loss, there isn't much more to say about losing my income taxes to student loans except I lost my income taxes to student loans. So I get a notice in the mail (you ever notice that when you get a notification in the mail it's never good's news. I mean let's face it it is never publisher clearing house for real. Well this lovely piece of parchment was lovingly notifying me that the property taxes for my money pit, I mean fixer upper, I mean house were bought. So now the taxes that I couldn't afford at $548 are now $1090 with the attorney fees and all the stuff that gets tacked on to the bill. Yep, definitely not affordable now but I can just throw that on the ever expanding pile of delinquent notifications.
Of course I haven't even mentioned the kids school tuition is still going unpaid all this time. So those bills are also filed haphazardly into that perpetual aforementioned pile.
So then winter bills at my house are a sick joke. My electric is 6, 7 and $800 dollars a month for three to four months every year. Well that stinks like bad cheese for a person with a good job so take someone in a deep, dark, never ending spiral with piling debt and a crap job that a high schooler would scoff at and put those bills on top of it. Fun times right.
Surgery number 3 leads to loss number 8. Not a huge loss mind you but a loss all the same. I lost my income from my fast food restaurant due to another surgery to fix the first 2 surgeries. This time I had 4 drain tubes. not as unfortunately placed but still drain tubes are evil. The healing wasn't near as bad as the open wound healing and didn't take near as long. Still the surgery created a loss of income even as little as it may have been.
Debt thy name is Jaimee.
Let's fast forward to September 2017. We can skip a few months and not miss anything real important. Just imagine piling debt and me treading water to stay afloat. Yep all caught up.
So September comes along and I see an ad for a good job. I fill out the app on line and get the go ahead to come in and take some tests for typing, proof reading and comprehension. Passed, flying colors. Great, good job to start September 25th. Three weeks to get some good clothes and figure out a ride back and forth to work. I have failed to mention that I have no car, right. Well, I have no car it broke in 2016. The job is located around 50 miles round trip. I inconvenience my mom for money to go to GoodWill and get some clothes. I also inconvenience my mom for a ride to and from work. I guess she figures this is going to be my only way out of the ever mounting bills and past dues that I have.
With the good job I receive loss number 9 food stamps and medical cards. Which seems like a good thing on the surface. Look deeper I am already struggling, just getting started, still behind on everything and now I lose the little assistance I got in life. Oy vey.
Loss 10 is brought on by luck of the draw I suppose. There are several things in this list but we will lump them into one big loss. Appliances.
Let me explain. Mid October my cooking stove decided it was done so it no longer works then I woke up Thanksgiving day and my refrigerator had quit working. Two weeks later my microwave started getting too hot and breaking every glass thing that was in it. Including it's turntable. Perfect! More things I can't afford.
Oh wait, It's Christmas again. I have to pull off another Christmas. Really, does Christmas have to come every year? I mean really, really? Since we don't have cable maybe my kids won't notice that it's Christmas time again. Yeah, right. Oh yeah 2nd anniversary too. Bring on the rain. I pulled off another Christmas for my babies. But,
winter in my house brings the ginormous electric bills too.
When it rains...It pours.
This winter in Ky was super cold. You know what that means? No? Loss 11. Pipes (and maybe a touch of sanity). Any way, Frozen pipes. Along with frozen pipes comes burst pipes. Every. Pipe. In. My. Plumbing. System. Broke. Every single one. Inside walls in the basement. Under the sinks. All of them. I know what you're thinking. Yeah right. This girl has got to be making this up. Nope, gosh I wish I was.
Not only did my pipes burst but my water heater cracked also. So on January 2nd 2018 I woke up with no water. Once it finally un-thawed I had entirely too much water. Water spraying all over my kitchen floor. All over my bathroom floor and all over my basement. Also spraying out of my water heater. FML.
I have a dear life long friend that eventually heard about my water or lack there of. He came over and fixed my water lines. So I went close to 5 weeks without water. I still have no water heater. We are still having to shower at my moms and stuff. But, at least we have water again. Right?
My last loss that we are going to talk about is my loss of hope. I am not sure that I will ever get out of debt. You remember the large bills that
I am so accustomed to receiving in the winter time at my abode. Well, the most shocking one I have ever gotten came in the mail yesterday March 2nd 2018. My electric bill is $1249.69. Take your time if you need to re-read that.
How is a person ever supposed to get ahead if they keep falling further and further behind. I have lost all hope of that ever happening. I have lost all hope of ever truly being out of my depression. I have lost all hope of ever having my children seeing me completely happy again.
I know that I will travel a long distance on rough pavement before rediscovering the smooth highway I have lost...
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Julliana Micro Pig
I got a Juliana Micro Pig today...
She is 4 days old
she was rejected by her momma
So I am going to bottle feed her
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